The other day was my birthday. Isn’t it weird on your birthday when people ask you if you “feel different”? It’s not like some magical force can just suddenly make you feel different. I hate that question.
I went out for dinner with my family to a little restaurant in the country. Is it weird that I feel out of place with my family? I mean it’s kind of a common feeling with me. I always have this powerful urge to go somewhere else, to do something else, to be someone else. As the adults and myself sat on the patio, my little sister and brother decided to run off to explore the acres that beautified our view. And then it hit me. I was jealous. I want to do what they’re doing, I want to explore. But I couldn’t…something, some poisoned thought kept me in my seat. I’m supposed to be an adult, I’m supposed to sit with the adults and talk with the adults about adult things. Truthfully, I don’t care about money issues, or prestigious schools, or the business world, or any of that. I wanted to explore. I wanted to be that little kid that I was ten years ago who could do anything without being questioned. I wanted my imagination to be able to function without being held down with the bull shit jargon that I was supposed to be listening to. This feeling ate at me the entire evening and I couldn’t stand it. I got up without saying a word and walked off the patio into the open fields of green in front of me. The emotion that took over my soul when I stepped onto the lush grass is indescribable. I was happy, honestly happy. And just the fact that the smallest action could have such a powerful affect on me was so overwhelming. That moment was beautiful, I felt as if I could go anywhere, do anything, be anyone. Then I realized that it’s moments like those that I yearn for. It scares me that a don’t really care about money, and I don’t really care where I’m going to get into school or what type of house I’m going to live in. It scares me that I’m now seventeen years old, and those years that are behind me will always be behind me. I only have one life, and that scares me too, but it’s that fear that keeps me yearning for those blissful moments. I just want to live by my own standards. I just want happiness in its simplest form.
don’t be afraid to be who you are, just do it and see what happens. I might get killed a lot sooner than I would’ve if I was playing it safe and not actually living my life, but at what cost. fuck that!
I wish more people saw this, only 31 people will. I’ve never been good at accepting our…